Fantasy Dork Central

A full NFL rookie report will be posted soon; ranking the fantasy impact of the rooks and the affect they have on their teams. To hold you over, here are some boobies;


Some more UK boobies for y'all;

Say it aint so; A Bush in the NFL


"You gave Hector all the easy ones"


No not Reggie folks, its Jeb. Sad but true the NFL's search for a new commish has focused on the fattest fuck of all Bush's. As leaders on the search committee the legendary Rooney family, the proud owners of the Steelers are seeking out Bush as the man to replace Tags. I don’t know if I’d rather Jeb be our next president than our next NFL commish. To be honest though, the country is already in the toilet, so at least save the one successful government we do have, the mighty NFL. Mine and the lives of millions of other men are absolutely dependent on the league. No disrespect to my family, girlfriend, friends and country, but the NFL comes first. If I was on a breaking rope bridge ala Indy Jones and could only save either my mother or the NFL, I’d have to tell my mom I love her dearly, but Sunday is Sunday. I am not joking.

I'm with stupid takes on a confusing fucking twist here


Please Rooney’s and other absurdly rich old white men, please don’t enlist (a word that Bush’s fear) this fat absurdly rich white man named Jeb to be the next commissioner. I know it’s a long shot that he would take it, and the pr would be tough to battle, but even the thought of that family entering my government is sickening. Next thing you know we’d have Exxon adverts on the helmets and Cuban referees. They’d pan up to Jeb in the luxury suite and he’d be deepthroating a texas tommy while pouring a double fudge milkshake down his neck. I just can’t stand by and let a Bush ruin the last relevant treasure we have left as Americans.

2006 NBA Playoffs



Watch this Sarah Silverman video; she's the funniest woman alive
Some Chuck Norris bits for those who miss him;

• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live
• Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
  

Actual Sports talk;

I’ve been championing Dirk as the MVP for over a month now. He simply impressed me more this season than any other player. He is among the top 5 players in the world in my opinion, and he further solidified that distinction last night. There is no other player in the world like Dirk, no other player who could make that clutch overtime securing and one look so effortless. With that clutch drive he immediately elevated his status among his peers; his aggressive and physical play is an indicator that he has shed the soft serve foreign player stigma. This was a very signifigant moment in his and the franchises future, they now seem poised for that elusive finals berth. On a side note Mark Cuban had semi consensual sex with two mexican teenagers after last nights win.

On some other shit; isn't it strange how the Mavs and Cowboys are viewed as completely separate fan bases? Think about it; I hate the Cowboys and their oil drinking yeehaaing brokeback fans, but I've never even thought of that same fan base in connection with the Mavericks. Most of this stems from the fact that the Mavs play out west and have been a shit team for the majority of their existance. It's still strange to me though, I like the Mavs and want them to do well, while their fanbase is comprised of the same people I've been conditioned to hate as a Philly fan. Knowing this, I somehow I still want their team to win, especially since my own team is a bunch of bottle service double parking at tgi fridays bentley driving losers. Just something to think about as they go for their first trophy.

Cuban may finally get his ring; I actually like him though, atleast he wants to win more than anything else, wouldn't you want him to own your favorite team?



In what proved to be one of the greatest series in years Dirk and his very adept supporting cast were able to win an overtime game 7 in the raucous AT&T center. Dirk and his Mavs have finally made their mark; this is an accomplishment that should not be overlooked, the Spurs are Michael Jordan’s Pistons for Dirk just as these modern Pistons stand in LeBron’s way; they represent the decorated veteran team that has kept them from true greatness/success.

Jordan wasn’t considered a great one till he passed the Pistons



Over a week ago I predicted that Dallas would win the championship in my round 2 article, a stance I still believe in. Avery Johnson has turned a solid second round type team (essentially a Donnie Nelson team) into a true contender (for years to come). I can’t think of a younger more dynamic roster in the league. Can you? With Terry and Howard emerging as highly productive complements to Dirk, and a versatile and deep bench to call on (Stack, Harris, Van Horn, Daniels, Diop) the Mavs could become multiple champions. But before I get too ahead of myself, lets appreciate for a moment the incredible series we just witnessed;

Dirk has come a long way since this young bol draft pic


The true western conference finals have concluded in my opinion. These two teams are clearly the strongest contenders the conference offers (the conference finals will prove this). I can’t name a better rivalry since the Lakers/Spurs-Kings a few years ago. The Mavs and Spurs are in state and in conference rivals that have more personal ties than any two teams in the association. The irony of Finley leaving the Mavs to finally score a ring only to lose to them is obvious. It’s sad but his departure allowed for Howard and Stack to truly find their place in the rotation. Finley gave his best years to Dallas only to see them grow without him. It’s strange that it took Nash and Finley leaving for the team to truly evolve. In any case, I will miss this series because I feel it will prove to be the pinnacle of competition in these most memorable of playoffs.

Philadelphia; Why are we such losers?


Where all the bullshit starts


My friends and I have been complaining for years now about the absolute lack of competence in our hometown of Philadelphia. For nearly 100 years the city has been losing brains, money and people. I’ve been trying to make a connection, however abstract between the lack of quality management in both our municipal government as well as in our professional sports franchises. For so long Philly has been identified as a city of losers, or at least that’s how we feel. We boo and they call us animals, in reality we are really just craving success. We throw snowballs at Santa because we haven’t had Christmas in Philly for some time. We have consistently had to watch the shit head Tampa’s and Dallas’s of the nation pass us in the world of sport while the Phoenix’s and Houston’s pass us in growth and development. With 4 major teams and over 100 years of professional sports, we boast only 6 major championships (counting the 1960 Eagles) in our history (that’s disgusting by the way), the Yankees have 24 alone). It’s been a very long 92 full professional seasons since we’ve won a championship (1983 76ers). Whether it’s our city officials or our team’s p.r. people they continually tell us things are changing, improving, and we’ve always taken the fucking bait.

"Please don't show my wife the blackberry"



Over the past several years the city has been referred to in national press as a city on the rise, an “up and comer”. Whether as a potential candidate for to host the 2016 summer games or as host of last summer’s Live 8 concerts, Philly has been getting some positive pub lately. Ask a Philadelphian and they’ll tell you that this hype is pure bullshit. We are a jaded and defeated folk my friends. Our egos have been indefinitely bruised. We’ve become accustomed to losing out to our popular bigger sibling (NYC) and to our seemingly more established cousins (DC and Boston). When asked to compare Philly to its most similar city, people would more likely answer Baltimore than Chicago or San Francisco. Why is the 4th largest media market in the nation (nearly 6 million residents) so often passed over when considering the great American cities? How has this city full of historical, educational and cultural fabric lost its way? For one our city boasts one of the most corrupt and malproductive civic municipalities in the country (maybe the world).

They over tax over spend and erroneously charge the citizens for services never rendered. The civic “leaders” enjoy endless comped lunches and ball games, theater tickets and blow jobs, all thanks to the hard working tax payers. Philadelphians endure the nations highest wage tax, the most inefficient,expensive and straight dookyest public transportation system as well as incredibly high crime and violence rates. The current Mayor John "Our City" Street has been under FBI investigations for years now due to his regime’s shady practices. Just last spring a prominent city representative threatened to jump from the observation deck of legendary City Hall when his corruption ring was exposed. Trust me the list goes on and on. Shit, it sounds like I’m describing Detroit here. Only we are not Detroit, we are a city full of potential and value. That’s what makes the lack of competence so painful. This city has a major identity issue, and has never really addressed it.

"You took the best fucking slice you honkey, I said I wanted the flower!" I can't tell who the bigger asshole is, wait, yes I can; W



Way before I was pumped out Philly has been paralyzed by corruption and complacency. This isn’t a new phenomena, since the turn of the century (no the old one) Philly's system has been deemed a cancer; “Philadelphia is not merely corrupt, it is corrupted," (Lincoln Steffens's The Shame of the Cities, 1904). Having said this, it seems as though the author is saying that the damage to Philadelphia has already been done and either a. there is no hope for a clean, uncorrupt city, or b. a great deal of effort needs to be put into changing the city in order for it to become uncorrupted. Philadelphians have been conditioned to accept the cheating and lying. It is engrained in our culture. We’ve become a disfranchised citizenry; apathetic to the plight of the city in our use of the system, of the vote.

In the face of growth and opportunity our unions and civic leaders stall all potential growth, asking first that they are granted money and power before any development occurs. Recently the plumbing union stalled the installation of environmetally efficient waterless urinals in a new skyscraper because they felt they’d been cut out; “Less water, less pipes” was the exact quote from the union rep. When MTV had sought out Philly as a host for their idiotic but popular Real World series, the unions nearly pushed the show out due to the use of non union labor. Ask most Philadelphians they’ll tell you that’s just the way it is, the unions run things here; the reason the new convention center lies dormant, the reason we have undeveloped vast water front real estate, the reason we drive through cave sized potholes even in the city’s most expensive neighborhoods. Well then why did the Real World (which, as any MTV production has been non union forever) successfully broadcast from NYC, Chicago and Los Angeles among others?(All city’s with strong union based labor) The Real World situation (which was a great way to improve the perception of philly to young professionals) is an example of our old school bullshit holding us back, even though we landed the show ultimately, we continued our shit reputation. It’s because we endure the antiquated and backwards politics. This behavior/mentality extends itself unto the sports culture as well.

Ed Wade; you absolute fucking loser


What is often looked over when evaluating a city’s credibility and status is the nature of the sports culture in that market. More and more these days, especially among men, a city is defined by the success of its sports teams. Think about it; the power and legitimacy of a city is often garnered through success in sports. No one in Phoenix or Houston can appreciate, or even gives a shit that what ails Philly is its poor education, violence, inefficiency and corruption. They also can’t appreciate that we boast world class museums, universities, restaurants and historical sites. What they do know is that we lose. We lose often and dramatically in sports. ESPN and USA Today; any and all national press outlets both sports and news based have recorded our failures. It’s not a secret at all. We get to the brink of a title only to be beaten in the end. Joe Carter sends shivers down our spines, Tom Brady induces sudden bowel movements, Ronde Barber still gives us horrible fucking nightmares. We are a scarred and beaten folk. An abused wife who still thinks he'll change. He won't by the way, he's gonna keep whoopin that ass.


We demand excellence and support our teams spiritually and financially in a way that you would think provokes success. Instead we get to discard our TO jerseys while still making payments to our season ticket packages. We are faithful, dedicated and passionate. We expect steak and champagne and get a frozen hot pocket and a warm fresca instead. We have a sick masochistic relationship with both our teams and our city. We love them dearly and they rarely reciprocate. We attend faithfully and consume all of their merchandise. We sit by our phones hoping he’ll call, only to end up eating bon bons and farting on our couch all night. The reason for all of this failure, both civic and sports wise comes back to my original premise; the city has shit management.

We would throw snowballs at nuns too if they were at a game we were losing


It seems that the inefficiency and laziness that has plagued our city government has bled into the mentality of our sports franchises. In concert with the city the Phillies and Eagles opened new stadiums over the past 3 years. Instead of putting the stadiums in areas that would potentially rejuvenate and inspire growth, the city and the teams chose to place them in the same semi residential industrial park in deep South Philly. There was even a battle over whether to place the Phillies park in Chinatown, an area with no desire for a stadium. So instead of having a stadium on our unused Delaware river waterfront, or in an area of blight that could be boosted by the development, the powers that be decided to put over 1 billion dollars into facilities that share space with scrap yards, dead naval docks and our largest highway. San Francisco, Baltimore and even Detroit have seen growth and community rejuvenation in the areas that they placed their new stadiums. Philly was incapable of such a decision, frozen by the lobbyists and “forced” to place our new parks in the same uninspired place they’ve always been. And I haven’t even begun to mention the actual “sports” decisions of the franchises.

"You see the reason I traded Iverson for a bag of tropical skittles is. . ."


Philadelphia more than any other city in the nation defines itself by it’s sports teams. It’s a badge of honor and even infamy to be a Philly fan. It’s implicit that you are tough and surly, jaded and cynical. A Philly fan is a caricature of himself. It’s sad really. We are a sophisticated and loyal fan as well among those other things. We demand success and excellence because we are so tired of the lack of it. Only just like we fail to make an impact in the voting booths, we fail to punish our teams for their lack of competence. Even in our down years the city has given these businesses their money and time. The franchises have taken to the city government’s approach of taking our money and giving us few results;

Philly epitomizes the fat American culture;tastycake,creamcheese,cheesteak. . .


The 76ers have seen one successful season in the past 20 years. Since they heyday of the early 80’s the team has seen little to no success. In the 90’s they were consistently among the worst teams in basketball. Then owner Harold Katz had taken on the Philly mentality; why give them quality when they show up anyway? In 2001 however the team had risen from the depths of the league to challenge for a title. It was all due to the infusion of energy and innovation of then team president Pat Croce. He refused to believe that the city and team were simply losers, he believed that with competent and quality coaching and talent that the team could be a winner. That was a magical season for the city. The honeymoon is long over though. Since then the team has returned to the bottom of the league. Croce is long gone and the remaining management has made several roster and marketing mistakes that have put the team’s future success in peril. Billy King has put together a sub 500 squad complete with two aging highly paid star(s). Dude is a clown shoe with a big checkbook. The Sixers are already committed to the most money in the league in 2007-8 (over 65mil) and have a dearth of depth and emerging talents. The Phillies (the oldest single name team in American sports) have won one championship in 120 years. I shit you not. They've accumulated over 10,000 losses; the most loserish team in the history of losers. They have consistently failed to build a winner. Success in baseball requires heavy investment and deft talent evaluation. The Phillies boast none of this. Only recently have they spent money and it is more a reflection of their incredible revenues they’ve garnered from the new tax payers supported stadium than a new philosophy. The Flyers spend and seem committed to winnning, but still they have allowed the same management to stay in place for over 20 years with no championship.

This is what we've missed; pride and celebration, the strut of a champ


More than any other city in the nation, sports failure is enabled in Philadelphia. For example; over the past ten years the general managers of the Phillies, Sixers and Flyers have gone unchanged with out any real successes. It is unprecedented to keep a job that you suck at (much like the city councilmen and representatives who keep their undeserved positions term after term). The Sixers GM Billy King couldn’t competently trade a baseball card never the less an 80 million dollar basketball contract. Billy is still currently employed (and highly paid), ambiguously gay and lives in suburban Philly in a mansion with his mastiff Caser. Former Phillies GM Ed Wade was wildly incompetent, a man who had zero success history in his career and still kept his job for nearly a decade. Only the Eagles are the saving grace of our sports culture. And even they have never won a championship in 40 years. For as successful as the Eagles have been over the past 6 years, they still seem flawed by the lack of innovation that plagues the rest of the city’s management. For years now the Eagles have refused to alter their approach to game management and talent evaluation. They were only able to win the final of 4 consecutive trips to their conference championship, a reflection of their lack of immediacey as a front office.


Are you tired of her yet?


More than anything this city lacks a sense of change. No matter how dire and desolate our city becomes, nothing seems to change. I don’t know how to inspire this movement, how to change the 100 year old shit head mentality. We need to get over the fact that we are a national treasure and begin to move forward. Ben Franklin is deader than a motherfucker and we need to get over that shit. There is real competition out there people. Other cities are growing and progressing through innovation and imagination. We can’t seem to figure out a way to efficiently get to work yet. I’m tired of being a loser; of being a fat guy with a cheese steak and a pretzel that curses at Santa Clause (even though I'm basically all of those things), tired of watching Charlotte and Tampa Bay take my championships and graduates away from me. All it takes to change our sports culture is a championship. Trust me; if a Philly team wins the city’s sports ego would immediately improve. To change our city it will take much more than any single event. The first place to start would be removing these clowns from office, demanding competence through our voting voice. I love Philadelphia and believe it can be a world class city in both sports and in status, yet in being from Philly I’ve learned to expect a little less.

Kobe is a confused crazy nerd, and why is he #24? you are not the next Jordan homey

Please do not masturbate at work or in the company of children



I still can't see what Phil sees in him (could it be 10 mil a year and lunch fucks with the boss's daughter?)


Essentially the majority of the first round hype was generated by one Kobe Bean Bryant. He was incredible in games 4 and 6, legendary even. He led a collection of bust losers(Kwame,Lamar) and no ones(Smush,Luke) to within a Tim Thomas three of glory.(I can't believe Tim is relevant this season, considering I personally heard dude say he was just cashing checks this season for Chicago at a sixers game). In the 4th quarter of game 6 Kobe was unstoppable, the best player in the world on display. He was throat gulchin little kids that night. Doing whatever he felt like doing, taking his squad on his back. Check the tape, I’ve watched that corner 3 over and over, convinced that Kobe is the only player in the league who can hit that shot. He no doubt leads the league in degree of difficulty. Then just two nights later in Phoenix he takes 3 shots in the second half. Did the early series strategy lead to this decision? Fatigue set in? Unlikely, in truth, homeboy is simply fucking weird. Not to bite ESPN’s Chris Broussard but I really think Kobe is off. Not like marry a 17 year old high school bitch and cut your family off off, wait, that’s not a good example. More like a really extra sensitive bitch Scotty Pippen kind of off. Down two games in ‘94, Pippen had the defining moment of his career. With 1.8 seconds left and the Bulls down 1, Phil Jackson had designed a shot for Toni Kukoc instead of Pippen. Scotty disgraced himself forever, refusing to enter the game. Pip never wanted to lead, and proved that by never actually dominating without MJ. Regardless of his successes before and after that game, Scotty proved in that moment he is not a number 1; not a franchise player, not a leader.

Just like Scottie from Boogie Nights; No Love


I personally think Kobe is a much better player than Scottie was; only he suffers from a similar condition. He is too sensitive, too receptive to what others say. “You shoot too much, not enough, pass more, take over”, what ever it may be he seems to listen too often. Whether that means coaches, teammates, Vanessa's twat or media no one really knows, but he is heading down a strange path. Why refuse to shoot when you at times possess supreme confidence? He did the same thing against Sacramento in 2004, taking only one shot in the first half scoring only 8 in a crucial division game. The next night he drops 45 to prove what he’s capable of. He has been accused (by Phil among others) of sabotaging games in high school only to make it dramatic for a come back. This is not the mind of a rational winner, of a champion. Dude needs therapy, and a solid ass whoopin.

Kobe working hard on his street cred



Kobe has always been different, never been one of the boys. Only now he’s in a position where he goes unchallenged in the clubhouse, he is the climate of the Lakers. He can say all that corny bullshit and do gay dances and Chris Mihm has to just take it all in, shaking his head. Essentially Kobe is a nerd, the most athletic nerd ever. For proof listen to his rap album (if you can find it), it is among the dorkiest recordings in human existence. Download it on a peer to peer site, you won't believe just how gay he really is. No one can get a read on him, no matter who you ask. Shaq never liked him very much, but he’s kind of on to something here; "The guy's a joke," O'Neal told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel newspaper at a photo shoot in Miami. "I'm just trying to tell the world that the whole time, but just because he hits a couple of shots, everybody thinks he's a great person. He's a clown." It is quite damn clownish to use a game 7 to make a point, whatever the point actually was. Steve Nash did indeed describe it well after the surreal game 7; "I don't know what to expect from him," he said of Kobe. "Sometimes it's a little strange." Kobe is a star, a talent deserving of attention and exposure. Only something’s off, not right. I can’t call it exactly, maybe because he’s not done and we don’t know enough to tell yet. Maybe and more than likely we never will. Either way dude is a fucking fruit loop.

Boobies; don't fail me now, English broads have nice tits, just don't let them speak or smile (this is Kelley;the top ho in the UK)

NBA Playoffs Round 2 Post tonight(tuesday), plus some baseball talk(don't be scurred)


Completely unrelated bullshit;

They've captured Aqua man, and will begin the anal assault shortly



I'm sure the blog/nerd/loser world has already produced a few thousand "articles" dissecting the David Blaine special from last night. Regardless I needed to say something. In a complete waste of three blunts I sat through the 2 hour build up only to see a man fail miserably. I could have downloaded 20 gigs of ass gaping porn, or worked on my international philosophies with a concentration on small Asian women, instead I watched a dude miss a world record by a few minutes (I can watch the special olympics dvd for that). Of course it helps that that googly eyed loser fuck Stuart Scott shat in my ear for most of the night (get some fucking eye drops homey, it's 2006 and you make bank, focus on the eyes, not the mayonnaise covered ghetto speak, "Blaine is mad prepared with crazy skills".) I actually like Blaine though; he's weird, ugly and fucks models, so it gives all of you hope. He's also pretty dope with the actual magic shit. I'd rather watch him pull bitch's molars out and confuse prisoners (those cats will try to bend those bars as long as they live, or as long as they are in jail, essentially the same thing) than sit in a water bowl for a week. Let's get realistic here about the stunt, not eating for a week is accomplished all the time in Africa and Los Angeles and no one gets props for it, simply put starving is not magic. Eating McDonalds for 30 days is more magical than peeing in a bowl all week.


Blaine looks just like the shoe bomber cat, maybe that's his greatest trick (what a silly fucking hat)





Stuart Scott kept saying don't try this at home, no shit you detached cornea having motherfucker I doubt many people have a 2000 gallon ionized bowl hanging around to fuck with complete with leg shackles and trained aqua medics. I actually appreciate shit Americana TV like any lazy fuck no perspective havin fat white American asshole does, Wife Swap is on season pass yo, but this was so fucking anti climactic it made my ass pucker. Dude got out of the water crying and shit, like he didn't just waste two hours of prime time action, fuck him! He got paid to lose; like a Philadelphia pro athlete. He gets 3 mil and we get a near dead half Indian magician telling me he loves my support. I don't support you Dave, Houdini would have died for a 2 hour special, like actually have died. Show some fucking commitment dude, follow through. The record is 8:58 shit head, no returns or exchanges. Evel Knievel didn't almost jump a gorge; dude followed through and broke his spine for your time and money. You owe me ten minutes with one of your emaciated model girlfriends Dave, or at least throw up blood or have a seizure or something; crying and professing your love for your fans don't cut it round here. You’re cool so stop fucking up. Completely off the subject but I had to air it out.

2006 NBA Playoffs; Kobe proving me and every other asshole hater wrong


Kobe is a predator, an absolute assassin; Nash is a great leader, but can't take a game over like a true MVP should (even Nash thinks Dirk deserved it)


Regardless of the atrocious lack of officiating in Sunday’s game 4 OT stunner, or the absolute abuse of officating powers in game 5 last night, the Suns/Lakers series is fast becoming a classic. Nash clearly got pig raped by Walton and Smush at the end of game 4, but the TV gods demand that Kobe have a last second oppprtunity. This is a turning point for Kobe's solo career; if the Lakers can pull one out at home tomorrow public perception of Kobe’s game and leadership will assuredly improve. I among many others have criticized Bryant for his part in dismantling the Lakers dynasty, as well as attacking his leadership and team abilities. Kobe has actually elevated his teamates in this series, allowing them to contribute in nearly every possesion. I admit I’m surprised by his approach in this series; choosing to defer to his teamates and to the triangle instead of trying to win alone jacking up shitty shots all game. Kwame (truly learning Kobe's rape skills), Luke Walton and Smush are proving to be legitimate contributors, and Odom has finally found his home under Phil’s tutelage.

Could this pic possibly be any gayer?


For both Phil and Kobe this is a redemptive opportunity, a chance to prove that they can win with out Shaq and a cast of elite veterans. For the Suns it is another test of their sytem’s playoff effectiveness. Can the run and gun game win playoff series? Is the loss of Amare finally catching them? The playoffs often come down to your half court game, and the Suns lack of interior scoring and defense may cost them their season. Either way Thursday’s game 6 is a must watch for even the most marginal of NBA fans


Check out the Ali G NBA videos, dude is still funny

2006 NFL Draft Review;



I watched the NFL draft in it's entirety this weekend. To the lay person this means nothing, to an NFL nerd it is a vision quest of sorts. Instead of sitting in the woods with no food a spear and a leaf on my penis for a week, I endure 20 plus hours of Chris Berman's hully bully stammering bullshit and a near lethal dose of Mel Kiper's hairline. (Berman was a complete jerkoff during the whole telecast; consistently leaking the picks before my man Tags could announce them, removing any potential suspense, when the Raiders picked 7th and Leinart was on the board he said I think they're going defensive back seconds before the pick, which was then Huff, what a blowhard fat rumbling cock hoagie he's become). When you get through all the meaningless commentary and prediction, the actual drafting is a tactful chess match. A team can change it's direction and identity in only a few hours. Public perception can be altered in one pick; New Orleans now boasts a dynamic offense that will likely be featured multiple times on national broadcasts, in the same stroke Houston had looked on the upswing having won the "Bush lottery" only to pass on him and invite scrutiny and doubt untill Williams proves his mettle. Just two years ago the Cardinals were the worst team in football; a franchise with no star outside of then rookie of the year Boldin, now they boast a potent and eventually young offense as well as a quitely improving defense (not to mention a new world class stadium). Outside of landing Edge they have grown through Denny's drafts.


So if you wonder what all the hype is about, why the NFL draft garners so much more attention than any other (even the NBA), it's because it is the basis of success in the league. Even in this time of free agency and cap management, the draft is still the only way to win. More than any other league the NFL is draft dependant. In MLB, the NHL and the NBA draft success is important, but not a neccessity. A winner can be purchased in those sports. In football you better build in the draft. So in two years or so we will truly start to see the results of this draft take shape, and those who failed will likely be right back at the top of the draft.

One of these fat shits fucked up badly this weekend, and it wasn't Andy "Big Love"



No matter how much best player available bullshit you hear, most teams look to address specific needs in the draft. Donte Whitner going 8 was indeed a reach by the Bills, but they addressed their greatest defensive need. He was not the best player available, not even close, but he immediately fills the void left by Milloy in the secondary, that being said they still sharted their whole draft. The Lions or Bills could both use a franchise QB to build on, but both chose to leave Leinart and Cutler on the board and reach for defense. A good draft is often defined by the value of your picks; did you get the most out of your position considering whose available? So by selecting Whitner the Bills chose to pay the value of the 8th pick when he would have been available at 16. They either couldn't find a worthy trade down or simply had Whitner that high on their board, either way they fucked it up. And thank god they did, because that decsion set in motion the drop of Bunkley to the Eagles. Philly had an excellent first two rounds, having acquired two players with the 14th and 39th overall that they targeted in the top 15. They won the value battle.

Each move in the draft has a ripple effect that shuffles the board, leads players to drop and some to rise. For all the posturing and preperation done, many decisions are made on the fly. The Patriots got Chad Jackson at 35, dude was supposed to go in the top 20 minimum, but he fell in their lap. He didn't fall due to character or signability concerns, he simply fell due to decision. More than any draft I can remember this year's was defined by defense, with 22 defensive players in the first. Outside of tight end skill positions dropped down the board all day. Team's are focusing more and more on their interior lines, knowing that football is really decided in the first 6 inches. It's not quite as sensational or sexy, but building from the inside out is the way to win; it's the way that the Patriots, Steelers and Eagles have sustained some level of success (with some bad years). In any case here is a review of the draft taking into account both the real and fantasy implications of the selections; (reviews done by division.




NFC East; rapidly becoming the leagues deepest, best coached and most competitive division

Dallas Cowboys; The Boys came into the draft with few glaring needs having been spenders in the free agent market (good luck with psycho boy by the way). They needed to improve their secondary depth and draft a free safety to compliment Roy Williams (who can’t cover a cow in the open field), and acquire an outside line backer to replace the retired Dat Nguyen (pronounced dat win). My inborn hatred for the team aside (iggles), I feel they did better than most analysts have declared;

Get Dat Win; my favorite vietnamese linebacker


OLB Bobby Carpenter is an excellent first round choice; he can start immediately and gives them the size they need in their LB corp. Getting Notre Dame TE Tony Fasano in the second is confusing since they have pro bowler Witten in place, but their double TE formation will be potent now. It does make you wonder if they are grooming him in fear of Witten’s eventual payday. Skyler Green is the punt return specialist that the team lacked. DT Montavious Stanley provides great value in the 6th and helps replace the cool name factor lost with Nguyen.

They’re only mistake is that they failed to draft a starting FS to help Williams in coverage. Their 5th round pick of S Pat Watkins was a great value but he is a project and can’t start for at least a year. All in all they improved their defensive line and TE depth but failed to really address secondary needs.

NY Giants; The G men needed to add a WR/PR burner to their offense and add depth to their front seven. Much like the Boys the Giants had satisfied many needs in free agency giving them coveted mobility in the draft. They did a good job addressing these needs yet they made some questionable decisions. A team in their position should be able to draft the best available talent, avoiding “reach” picks. Well they clearly reached with their first choice but made up for it with some quality later round selections;

With Strahan’s age and no replacement in waiting DE Mathias Kiwanuka makes perfect sense, only they reached badly to get him. (imagine him paired with Osi Umenyiora forming the hardest to pronounce ends in the world, Madden will have an on air stutter induced aneurism) Originally in the 25th position they traded back to the 32nd with the Steelers. It’s clear that Coughlin’s Boston College ties played into the pick, whether he admits it or not. They could have traded down 10-15 picks farther and still had him. But Sinorce Moss (santana’s lil bro) was a steal at 44. He gives Eli a true deep threat and will contribute from day one in the return game. They did well in the middle rounds adding depth to both lines. Overall they did well but should have waited on the Kiwa pick.

Philadelphia Eagles; They entered the draft with the most needs of any team in the division, due mostly to their lack of free agent moves and the loss of that guy. The Birds needed a strong side linebacker, return specialist, offensive and defensive tackles and as any Philly cat knows, a big back. Despite all these needs Reid and his ladder day homeboys have been lauded for having an excellent draft;

Cocong; imagine the "Kooong" chant to replace the "Duuuuuce and Huuuugh"


Bunkley and Justice were both on the Eagle’s first round list. Bunk slipped due to Buffalo’s brain fart at 8 and Justice fell because of the oft used “character issues” tag. Either way they bolstered both lines and did so without selling too many late round picks. Unknown before the draft outside of scouting departments DE Chris Gocong (go-kong) is an animal in a uniform. He played double A ball at Cal Poly (John Madden's alma mater) and looked like Bobby Boucher absolutely gang-raping kids with a ridiculous 42 career sacks with 23.5 coming last year(check his link and watch his video, he killed kids). He will be converted to SAM immediately to compete with Jones. WR Jason Avant wont sell any jerseys or write any tell all books but he will be a solid #2 in this league. He dropped because his measurables weren’t prolific but a solid Michigan career and great character are good enough for me. Getting olympic skier Bloom in the 5th was just plain cool; you get an instant return man and a marketing dream in one. Behemoth Max Jean-Gilles potentially gives the Eagles the largest guard tandem in the world. Overall it was a perfect “value draft”, only they still need a between the tackles back (Duckett?) and a tall nickel corner to guard the taller wideouts in the division (plax/TO/lloyd). The Birds will pick through the June cap cuts for some veteran depth.


Washington Redskins; It’s difficult to evaluate a team’s draft when their first pick was 35 and they had only 2 picks in the top 150. Their draft was a month ago, when they spent mad dollars on free agents and trades. They essentially used their 3rd rounder on B.Lloyd and their 1st round pick last year trading up to get Auburn QB Jason Campbell (a super reach). Plus they get so close to capping out that they’d have trouble signing several day one talents. For the picks they did have they went nearly all defense, with only one real starter, overall a fairly useless draft;

"Room 612 big boy, time to earn that bonus"


Their only immediate impact player is OLB Rocky McIntosh; who will start right away on the weakside. Their other picks focused on the d-line and secondary, with no real steals or sleepers to mention. This team didn’t bank on the draft though, so it won’t really affect them in the short term.